This is not a pretty post. This evening was anything BUT pretty. Earlier, Kai wanted to watch tv. I asked him to put his backpack and binder in his locker first and then he could watch tv. He refused and turned on the tv. I patiently turned off the tv and asked him again. He refused and turned it back on. This time, I turn it off and stand in front of it. I told him NO PUT AWAY, NO TV. He put the remote in his pocket then proceeded to put his stuff away.
I let him watch tv for an hour before asking him to turn it off. He refused. I asked him again to please turn the tv off. He refused so I went to the tv and turned it off. He turned it back on. I turned it off, went up to him, and asked him politely for the remotes. He clutched them against his chest and said no. I, again, politely asked for the remotes. He refused so I wrestled the two remotes from his hand. I gave him plenty of opportunity. I then told him thank you and asked him to go play. I explained that he needed to do other things besides watch tv.
He sat on the couch comatose. Seriously. He sat there for about 10 minutes without moving. I had to go get the boys so I asked him to get in the car. I wasn't going to leave him in this state for Macy to deal with. He wouldn't even acknowledge my existence. I grabbed his hands and lightheartedly started pulling up and pretending to be dancing with him...trying to make him smile. He lets me pull him up and the dead weights himself and lays on the ground...again, comatose. Seriously? Seriously. I am still calm...on the outside. Inside, I'm seething. He lets me help him up and he then proceeds to sit on the couch and refuses to get in the car. I tell him that's ok and that he could stay home with Little M.
I get in the car and I cry. I cry out of pure frustration. I leave and ask Little M a few minutes later what he is doing. He has gone to his room so I tell her to go ahead and leave him alone. I get home and find both his bedroom door locked and his door to the bathroom he shares with Little C locked. He refuses to open the door for me or Little C. I opened both doors with a bobby pin and find he has used his bedroom furniture to barricade both doors. Unbelievable.
Like Warrant and Taylor Swift, I saw RED!!! (You will only understand Warrant if you are my age or older). I was livid! I was no longer calm, cool, and collected. Adrenaline kicked in and I pushed the door open that had both his bookcase and dresser blocking it. I yelled...not proud.. but I yelled that it was NO OK to do this and told him to return his furniture back right away. I calmed down and with Little C and my help, he did so but he was not happy with me. I told him to not lock his doors, either, and thanked him for putting his furniture back.
Before I leave again to go get Big C from practice, I ask Little M and Little C to go with me into Kai's room to pray. Even though Kai didn't want to be out with us, it was important that he know he was still A PART of us. He did not want us in his room and he refused to join us in prayer but we said it in there anyways. He refused to hug me afterward.
I had to leave to go get Big C. While I am gone, Little C calls to tell me he keeps throwing his backpack and books from his bedroom onto the bathroom floor saying NO SCHOOL NO SCHOOL. Little C kept putting them back but I told him to ignore him and let him do it and I would deal with it when I got home.
When I came home, Kai was in the mudroom cleaning it. He had vacuumed his bedroom floor and started his laundry. When he finished the mudroom, I told him thank you and asked for a hug. He stepped into my arms and hugged me. Not just a wet noodle hug, either. He hugged me. I think his cleaning was his way of apologizing.
He is now playing UNO with his siblings. As soon as Hubby K walks in the door, we are having a meeting to lay down some ground rules for everyone regarding technology. The kids already know about it but I don't want Kai to feel singled out so we are all following the new rule which is no video games or tv until 7pm every night. I was prepared to go cold turkey and not allow any at all until Kai showed such a change in his demeanor.
I just heard him laugh...I can't believe the change. I don't think Kai really understands why he feels this way. We learned yesterday that he thinks we will abandon him, too. It's just a matter of when. I wonder if he's trying to push me away so it doesn't hurt as much before he really attaches. It makes sense. Or maybe he simply is grieving all he has lost.
I don't know. I just know it's frustrating for both him and myself. I want to help him and sometimes I am at a loss. Sometimes, all I can do is let him go through the motions in the hopes that his heart will someday heal and he will know that he belongs with us...forever.
